a rough patch.

so i'm not going to lie. i'm apparently hitting a bit of a rough patch personally right now. i'm still enjoying mexico immensely, but the things that have been weighing on me since i've been here (and some from before) all seemed to crash in together on me this last weekend. we got back from ensenada, and i really liked it there. there were more english speakers, more people in general, more room, more beach, more relaxation, more worship, and more support. overall, i had a lot more there than i do here in tecate. and that made coming back (although it felt a lot like coming home) a bit disappointing.

i feel really disconnected from home, and i've been really having a hard time feeling completely at home with my dts family. i've been trying to work on my spanish, but really this just means i don't talk as much at all. which wasn't so bad, until i started totally pouring everything out on the few people who understood what i was saying to them. they claim that it's okay that i tell them everything, but i hate that i feel like i can't have real conversation with most of the students here. i fortunately was able to have a decent conversation with one of the guys, israel, today while we were painting over some graffiti. it felt good, because he's one of the people here i feel closest to, but he doesn't speak a whole lot of english. i tried to speak as much spanish as i could, and was moderately effective. turns out we have more in common than i thought, so that was a little encouragement that i needed.

three of the students in our group went home this week. most of the mexicans have been having problems with financial support, and two of them had to go home because they no longer had enough money for this lecture phase that we're in now. we're praying so much, because the rest of the students have exhausted their financial resources to pay for this part of the dts, but they still have to pay for the outreach phase, just like me. this week, i'm working on writing for support for my outreach, because we're getting closer, and i still have to raise a lot of money. and of course, all of this thinking about finances is bound to bring spirits down a bit, so we're all feeling very weary and discouraged.

i've also been experiencing a lot of failure on my part. this is so trying on my spirit, and the devil is using this to really make me feel unworthy of the things God is calling me to. i've never felt as in tune with God as i do right now. i've been able to share words and visions from God with people, and hear Him more distinctly than ever before. and it's amazing because YWAM has such a biblical basis, everything we do and learn has a biblical reference, and so beside my quiet time with God, i'm constantly in the word for other reasons. the binding on my Bible actually broke i've been reading it so much. i've been receiving a lot of scripture during intercession and worship as well, and it feels so good to have God constantly reaffirming me. lately though i've been struggling with my purpose here. why specifically God wanted me at this dts, now. i'm definitely learning more about Him, and thus myself, but i want to get more out of this experience than i currently see myself receiving. and i know to get more i have to give more. the problem is i keep putting so much effort into things, and they keep failing. not all of them, but it's been a pattern.

on top of all of this, as many of you know i have really bad luck with bugs. i was doing so well on that subject until i went to ensenada. i don't know what i have, but i have some sort of bug bite or allergy rash all over my arms, neck, stomach, back and some on my legs and face. the other girls are getting it too, but theirs is a little different. my theory is that we all got something from our room (not sure what) and i just happened to be more susceptible to whatever bugs in ensenada bite. 'cause it started as soon as we got there, and got different when we left. now i just have a sort of rash, i'm not getting any more big bites or whatever they are. but basically, if you've been around me in the last nine months at all, you know this is not a surprise. you also know that whatever it is, i'm dealing with it. but you also should know that it's really consuming. i'm just so itchy all the time! and i'm sick of being this way!

so as you can see, i'm in need of lots of prayer. i was hesitant to write any of this on here, because some of it's really personal, some of it i'm ashamed of, and i honestly want you all to know that i am sincerely loving it here. but i do need prayer, my whole group does. we're not sure how many people will be able to go on outreach because it's so expensive, and we're already struggling with financial support. and we're really in need of some unity, especially after losing some of our sisters and brothers who had to go home. so prayer is greatly appreciated at this point. we're about a third of the way through our school, and it's starting to get trying. but we're hopeful and looking to God in every moment. and thank you so much for your prayers so far. i love you and miss you all very much!

and on the eighth day, God created tacos...and it was good!

first of all, thank you katie for the comment lovin'. i am more encouraged to write on here if i see that people are commenting, because i dunno if y'all are even reading this, so leave comments. and if you do comment, feel free to ask about certain things, or say what you think is interesting so i can make this a better read.

anyhoo...this week in ensenada so far as been AMAZING! it's been very relaxing for me, because God did a lot of work with me over the weekend to get me to an extremely peaceful and joyful place with Him. the speaker this week is focusing on the character and nature of God, which is always an optimistic topic, and it's been very fun so far. we've had a lot of worship time already (especially since we're with the school of worship ), and we've been doing something called "harp and bowl". this is a very powerful and intense practice of a combination of musical worship and intercessory prayer. it's based on the passage of Revelation 5:8-10. side note: it's been really interesting how much God has been speaking to me through the book of Revelation lately.

today, for the first hour of class (after our time of harp and bowl), we went across the street to the beach and each on our own searched after getting to know God better through His creation. it was a really lovely time for all of us. i ended up writing a song for Him that I just kept singing over and over. it was amazing. i was really encouraged too, because one of the SOW students came up to me at the end and said that he wanted to tell me that God sees my heart for Him and to never let go of that passion I have for him. when we got back to class some people shared what God told them during that time. it was cool to hear all the different ways that God was moving in us.

on another positive note, God has been working in my heart a lot on the area related to fear. i realized that the spiritual attack I experienced two weeks ago was because of fear. the presence of the enemy ignited fear within me and he used that fear to attack. but i've been praying about God taking that fear away from me and He's been working fast. for one thing, I prayed (almost nonchalantly) because i didn't really expect anything to come of it, for God to cure me of my fear of balls and sports involving balls. now, if you know me at all, you know that this has been a crippling fear in the past. causing me to cry, and run away, and hyperventilate sometimes. but our speaker mentioned something about how fear can keep us from our destiny, and i thought about all the times i haven't ministered to someone because of my stupid, irrational but completely legitimate fear of balls. so i prayed. and yesterday afternoon we had exercise time. and guess what we were doing...that's right! volleyball. so i prayed again, because volleyball is probably the sport that i have the least amount of fear in playing, and i went out, and played for hours with NO FEAR. ever! it was amazing. and unexpected. then today I played again. and the guys were throwing a football around for a while and i was right by them...and no fear! so that's my sort of lame, but really practical testimony of how God can work in our lives.

another thing God has done is teach me to worship. i almost always feel led to dance during times of musical worship. and i almost never do. why? because there are other people all around, and i don't want to look like a fool, and i don't want to distract, and i don't want to look like i'm putting on a show. but God has taken that all away from me. He told me He wants to see me dance for Him, so this whole week, i started dancing more and more during worship times. today i danced during my quiet time in the morning, during some worship time later, and then again tonight when we had our community service with worship. it's so amazing, and it's worship that i can honestly do solely for God. but on top of the breakthrough it's been i had two people come up to me and tell me that they were blessed by seeing me worship God so openly and wholly, and encouraged me to do that more!

No, I do not have the swine flu.

Neither does anyone I know for that matter. Last week I was in Tijuana, at the YWAM base there. It was a phenomenal week. Our teacher, Dwight Hansen was inspiring! He had so much wisdom to impart on us. We focused the week on worship, and though I feel like I have a pretty good perspective on worship, I learned new things and walls I didn’t even realize were there were broken down. I was able to really get at the heart of God during the week and it felt amazing! We shared the week with the School of Worship from Ensenada, which just reinforced and allowed us lots of opportunity to practice what we were learning. They were a cool bunch from all over, Holland, England, Japan, the Philippines, Canada, etc. We get to go to Ensenada for the next two weeks, so we’ll get to spend more time with them.

There was one major issue pressing on my heart the whole week. My small group leader, Tita, has an illness that she’s had for years, but it’s been getting worse the last six months. Her doctor said she wouldn’t be able to do missions work, but she’s been fine as she’s done just that in 23 different countries. She is an amazing woman of Christ and has been discipling me well over the last couple weeks. She ended up in and out of the hospital during week four, and was gone all of this week. She’s returning tomorrow and is doing much better (PTL!). But I spent much of the week in Tijuana in prayer for her healing, and peace in her heart as she goes through this. I ask for your prayers for her as well.

The weekend between weeks four and five we had off. Unfortunately, I live a decent flight away, and so the other American and I (and three other people who live too far away in Mexico) stayed at the base the whole weekend. I think it was a good idea, because we were able to rest and relax (and do some hardcore cleaning/gardening), and because of what happened Friday night. I went to the church that two of my classmates from here in Tecate are members of, for their youth service. During the service I was overwhelmed by a spiritual attack. It was really scary, and I’ve had them before but it still caught be off guard. I was subsequently shaken up most of the weekend. But I prayed about it a lot, and I’ve been able to get even closer to God because of it.

So this week (five) we had Barry Houser come to share some Biblical Foundations teaching with us. He taught us a lot. We learned a systematic approach to studying the Bible, and we went in depth into a few passages/topics. It was very educational, and enlightening. I especially enjoyed it I think, being the, hands down, biggest nerd in the class. But I definitely got a lot out of him being here. Each week here has provided great speakers, with life-changing things to share, and I feel so blessed.