a rough patch.

so i'm not going to lie. i'm apparently hitting a bit of a rough patch personally right now. i'm still enjoying mexico immensely, but the things that have been weighing on me since i've been here (and some from before) all seemed to crash in together on me this last weekend. we got back from ensenada, and i really liked it there. there were more english speakers, more people in general, more room, more beach, more relaxation, more worship, and more support. overall, i had a lot more there than i do here in tecate. and that made coming back (although it felt a lot like coming home) a bit disappointing.

i feel really disconnected from home, and i've been really having a hard time feeling completely at home with my dts family. i've been trying to work on my spanish, but really this just means i don't talk as much at all. which wasn't so bad, until i started totally pouring everything out on the few people who understood what i was saying to them. they claim that it's okay that i tell them everything, but i hate that i feel like i can't have real conversation with most of the students here. i fortunately was able to have a decent conversation with one of the guys, israel, today while we were painting over some graffiti. it felt good, because he's one of the people here i feel closest to, but he doesn't speak a whole lot of english. i tried to speak as much spanish as i could, and was moderately effective. turns out we have more in common than i thought, so that was a little encouragement that i needed.

three of the students in our group went home this week. most of the mexicans have been having problems with financial support, and two of them had to go home because they no longer had enough money for this lecture phase that we're in now. we're praying so much, because the rest of the students have exhausted their financial resources to pay for this part of the dts, but they still have to pay for the outreach phase, just like me. this week, i'm working on writing for support for my outreach, because we're getting closer, and i still have to raise a lot of money. and of course, all of this thinking about finances is bound to bring spirits down a bit, so we're all feeling very weary and discouraged.

i've also been experiencing a lot of failure on my part. this is so trying on my spirit, and the devil is using this to really make me feel unworthy of the things God is calling me to. i've never felt as in tune with God as i do right now. i've been able to share words and visions from God with people, and hear Him more distinctly than ever before. and it's amazing because YWAM has such a biblical basis, everything we do and learn has a biblical reference, and so beside my quiet time with God, i'm constantly in the word for other reasons. the binding on my Bible actually broke i've been reading it so much. i've been receiving a lot of scripture during intercession and worship as well, and it feels so good to have God constantly reaffirming me. lately though i've been struggling with my purpose here. why specifically God wanted me at this dts, now. i'm definitely learning more about Him, and thus myself, but i want to get more out of this experience than i currently see myself receiving. and i know to get more i have to give more. the problem is i keep putting so much effort into things, and they keep failing. not all of them, but it's been a pattern.

on top of all of this, as many of you know i have really bad luck with bugs. i was doing so well on that subject until i went to ensenada. i don't know what i have, but i have some sort of bug bite or allergy rash all over my arms, neck, stomach, back and some on my legs and face. the other girls are getting it too, but theirs is a little different. my theory is that we all got something from our room (not sure what) and i just happened to be more susceptible to whatever bugs in ensenada bite. 'cause it started as soon as we got there, and got different when we left. now i just have a sort of rash, i'm not getting any more big bites or whatever they are. but basically, if you've been around me in the last nine months at all, you know this is not a surprise. you also know that whatever it is, i'm dealing with it. but you also should know that it's really consuming. i'm just so itchy all the time! and i'm sick of being this way!

so as you can see, i'm in need of lots of prayer. i was hesitant to write any of this on here, because some of it's really personal, some of it i'm ashamed of, and i honestly want you all to know that i am sincerely loving it here. but i do need prayer, my whole group does. we're not sure how many people will be able to go on outreach because it's so expensive, and we're already struggling with financial support. and we're really in need of some unity, especially after losing some of our sisters and brothers who had to go home. so prayer is greatly appreciated at this point. we're about a third of the way through our school, and it's starting to get trying. but we're hopeful and looking to God in every moment. and thank you so much for your prayers so far. i love you and miss you all very much!