Dust Myself Off and Try Again

You know those times in your life, or situations that seem utterly perfect, those moments you wish could last far longer than they do? That was this weekend for me.

Most of the “magic” of my last three days is obvious; I was in my favorite place in the world with three of my very favorite people. But past all the new inside jokes and adventures there were other details that made this weekend especially great. We stayed in my family’s cabin in Hayward, WI. This is a remote place off in the north woods with no television or Internet (although there is 3G coverage, I pretended that wasn’t true). And although our sleep schedule was out of whack due to a seven-hour drive that started at 2am Friday morning, I managed to wake up earlier than everyone else and have some Spirit-filled quiet time each day down by the lake. The simplicity of our time in Wisconsin and my sustained discipline to start my days in prayer and Scripture led to an eye-opening weekend for me.

First of all, God really spoke to me about the fact that I have a call on my life that I can’t ignore. I’ve been really struggling lately with the direction my life is going and the slow speed at which this is happening. I feel incapable and nearly powerless to complete the task I’ve spent the last five years working toward and at the same time I have the option to change my plan. I finished nursing school and got my degree, but now it seems impossible for me to get my license. I know I should not feel discouraged by the difficulty I’m having, but I do.

I know I can do all things through Christ because He strengthens me, but I don’t have to do this. I don’t need a nursing license to be a missionary. I don’t need to be a missionary at all. This is my frustration. I feel like I am questioning God’s call on my life, because I’m scared. But it’s not that I’m scared to go to dangerous places, or scared I might get sick, or scared of being in a constant state of financial instability, my fear is that of failure. I want to be the kind of person who can get things right, who is successful in their endeavors, and I feel like the complete opposite of that. I feel like every time I try to do something I fail. But then I look at people like Abraham Lincoln or the Apostle Paul both of whom I consider great men who led successful and world changing lives. Both of them failed, a lot, before they succeeded at those things for which they are remembered.

The failures I have met are not catastrophic, but they do allow me the chance to give up. I didn’t give up on graduating college though I wanted to so badly, and now I have my bachelor’s degree in nursing. A few weeks ago, I failed my licensure exam, and I am determined to keep going until I can be at this same point in reference to my license as I now am to my degree, being grateful that I kept trying. It’s not like I have to go all the way back to the beginning, I just have to pay a couple hundred more dollars and study for a few more weeks and answer questions for a few more hours. Hopefully this next time I get it, but I’m scared because I was so close the last time and I fear I can’t actually do any better.

2 Corinthians chapter 4 addresses this quite precisely. That God has called me to a certain ministry, and the fact that He called me means I shall not lose heart. And although I feel afflicted and perplexed, I shall remain intact and hopeful. My spirit is renewed every day, and these hardships and being forced to get back up and try again refines me and builds character. When I was waiting for my test results I kept thinking, I have already learned what I can from failure. I’ve been through it. It sucks. And I kept trying and now I know that I can do this. So I thought God wouldn’t let me fail again, because there would be no benefit. Now that I’ve had to decide to not give up (again), I realize that facing repeated adversity makes the character growth that much stronger. I am of a bolder conviction now to keep trying, over and over, until I am at last complete with God’s call on my life, which will not be until death or Christ’s return. And I am coming to the realization that failure is probably going to be a constant aspect of my life. But I also know failure is an event, not a person. I am not a failure. It is something I must overcome, not something to which I should succumb. And with God, failure is never forever.

I think one anecdote from this weekend illustrates this entire issue well. My friends and I were driving around old logging trails on a 4x4, when we went down one path that had a hill that looked far too steep for our Ranger to make. Two of my friends were convinced we were going to topple over or get hurt, and so they got out of the Ranger and refused to go. However, my other friend and I were determined to try it, knowing that we might fail. So I drove the Ranger up the hill and we made it to the top with no problem! The other two walked up the hill and got in, and after driving only a few yards down the path, it abruptly ended. So we did a thirty or so point turn and went back down the hill and path. I never stopped trying out new paths no matter how many dead ends we hit. And after we got back to the cabin, we watched the video that one of my friends watching us go up the hill took, and it looks like we’re driving on almost level ground! It didn’t look steep or scary at all. We all laughed at how much we underestimated the Ranger and the next time we went out on it, we drove up and down far steeper hills with success. This is the how I know getting my license will be. I’ll look back on it and laugh at how silly my perspective was. And then continue on to bigger and scarier things with success.