I have recently decided to award this last week with the label of my "Best Week Ever". I may change my mind about that decision in the future because I am an admittedly fickle person, but let the record show that I have claimed this week as the best ever. For now at least.
To understand just why this week was so grand, one must have some perspective about how different it was than the weeks leading up to it. About a month ago, I was feeling slightly insane and completely worthless about my life. I was spending my time studying mostly, and attempting to continually convince myself that (with God's help) I can achieve my dreams. (Okay, just writing this now is starting to get me all choked up, and if you know me at all, you know I don't cry. This is an important quality of mine to keep in mind for the duration of this post.) After taking five years to graduate from nursing school, it took me almost four months from graduation to take my licensure exam. A few weeks later, I found out I failed. I took a break, reapplied, and after my application was approved again, registered to retake the exam.
After failing (aka getting a C-) in one of my classes in college, I learned a little about failure. Before I knew my results from my first NCLEX I was convinced that God would let me pass that test because I already learned what I could have from the experience of failing. After failing the NCLEX, I learned even more, as addressed in a previous post. But it still broke me. I was depressed and nearly hopeless. The only thing that got me through was relying on Jesus Christ. People who were around me know that during that time I was less myself and more of a Marsh-wiggle*. However, in an attempt to think positively, I planned a trip for two weeks after my second NCLEX to go to London for a week. This may seem random, or a bit crazy, but it made me feel more like myself again to do something spontaneous that would surely be amazing. It gave me more motivation toward my life in general.
Then, the Saturday before the week when I was to retake the NCLEX I nearly gave up. I had decided to spend the day studying, and found myself lying in a pile of books and study materials just crying for hours. I had lost any capability to study, and instead gave myself over to the despair that had been gnawing away at me for so long. It wasn't just about the test either. I felt alone and worthless about every aspect of my life. It was not good. But after a while I forced myself to open my desk drawer and take out my Bible. I read for a bit, and began to regain my perspective. I just kept reminding myself of how steadfast and faithful God is and that there is nothing my God cannot do. I realized that I was still unable to even look at nursing information and needed to regroup. So I went to spend the evening at my best friends' house having a bonfire and watching a World War II documentary. It worked like magic at getting my mind off my emotional unraveling and life questions enough for me to get back at it the next day after church.
By the test on Tuesday, I had only read through half of what I was hoping to review and didn't do any study questions (which everyone says is the best way to prepare for the NCLEX) but I did have a better outlook on life and despite my reservations about passing, I felt confident. Not confident that I could pass necessarily, just confidence in myself as a future nurse. Immediately after the exam I went to visit my friends down in Bloomington. We decided by the end of the week I spent down there that God apparently called me in to combat all of the stress and chaos that was happening down there. I won't worry you with the details, but it kind of felt like the lives of my friends down there were all falling apart, and I was sent down there to fix it all. And in my humble opinion, I did a decent job. It felt good to see that I could still be useful, but it was still a very stressful time for me. So I headed back home with a couple days to relax, pack and prepare for London.
*Marsh-wiggles are creatures from Narnia who are characterized by pessimistic and depressed outlooks on life. If you've read C. S. Lewis' The Silver Chair you may remember Puddleglum, a Marsh-wiggle who the children see as quite pessimistic, though he claims that for a Marsh-wiggle, he's considered too flighty, cheerful, and optimistic. Again, often how I feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment